


The Play's the Thing

by AlphaCygni



Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Getting Together, Light and breezy, M/M, Post-Canon, Screenplay/Script Format, Shakespeare on Cardassia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-14
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-14 12:28:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,923
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29418666
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlphaCygni/pseuds/AlphaCygni
Summary: Garak needs help understanding Hamlet. Bashir needs help understanding Garak.
Relationships: Julian Bashir/Elim Garak
Comments: 33
Kudos: 79
Collections: Sid City Social Club Script Collection





	The Play's the Thing

**Author's Note:**

> I got such a kick out of reading the [other scripts here](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/SCSC_Script_Collection), I thought I'd throw one on the pile, too. 
> 
> It has nothing thought-provoking to say like the beautiful individual scripts that were performed. It was merely born from a desire to hear Garak drag Shakespeare while doing a garashir. What can I say? I'm a simple woman.
> 
> Hopefully it's enjoyable to a few of you, too. <3 Happy Valentine's!

**The Play’s the Thing**

AlphaCygni

 **CHARACTERS:**  
ELIM GARAK, _Cardassian Liaison to the Federation, currently on Cardassia Prime_  
JULIAN BASHIR, _currently serving at a hospital on the Romulan refugee resettlement colony of Cygnus V_  
DOCTOR JAROK (audio only), _a Romulan colleague of Doctor Bashir’s_

 **SETTING:**  
Com Call – Cardassia Prime to Cygnus V

 **TIME:**  
Some undefined time “later”: at least 11 years after DS9 (following the Romulan resettlement crisis mentioned in ST: PIC)

\---------

Half the screen is black. The other half shows the smiling, expectant face of ELIM GARAK. He is calling an old friend.

The com chirrups, and the other half blinks to life.

 **GARAK**  
Doctor?

The face of JULIAN BASHIR appears. His eyes are bleary, and he yawns. There is no doubt the call has woken him from a peaceful sleep.

There is also no doubt: he wasn’t expecting this. There’s a lot of blinking.

 **BASHIR**  
Garak? Is that you?

 **GARAK:**  
My dear doctor, forgive me. I’ve disturbed you.

 **BASHIR**  
 _(Still a bit bleary)_ No, no. It’s fine.

 **GARAK**  
My terminal indicated local time to be early evening. I didn’t dream of finding you in bed.

 **BASHIR**  
Just having a lie-in, Garak. These Romulan resettlement colonies are ludicrously under-staffed, and the hospitals are mad. I needed a bit of a kip.

 **GARAK**  
So I’ve not intruded _?_ _(Leaning into it)_ You’re alone?

 **BASHIR**  
( _exasperated_ ) Yes, Garak. I’m alone.

 **GARAK**  
Ahh, good.

 **BASHIR**  
And thanks for that reminder.

 **GARAK**  
Oh, a rare occurrence, no doubt. Even the greyest of Romulan hearts must be susceptible to the charms of Doctor Julian Bashir.

 **BASHIR**  
Garak, I hope you didn’t call to give commentary on my love life. Save it for your letters. ( _realizing_ ) Which, speaking of, I haven’t received in…six months? It’s your turn.

 **GARAK:**  
I know, Doctor, and I do apologize. Cardassia has kept me quite busy.

 **BASHIR**  
Just promise you’re not working on another 300-pager.

 **GARAK**  
 _(teasing)_ Promises are lies on borrowed time, Doctor. Besides, I thought you enjoyed me baring my soul to you.

 **BASHIR**  
‘Baring your soul.’ Right. That certainly wasn’t 300 pages of very embellished half-truths.

 **GARAK**  
Not very embellished. Artfully embellished.

 **BASHIR**  
You’re a kind of artist, certainly. But…look, I’m going to have to be back at the hospital soon. What did you need to say that you couldn’t include in your next epic?

 **GARAK**  
Actually, I need to ask a favor.

 **BASHIR**  
( _A little surprised…and suspicious_ ) I don’t believe you’ve asked a favor in…how long have we known each other?

 **GARAK**  
If anyone would know the precise time, I’d think it would be you. Suffice it to say, I ask only when the need is dire.

 **BASHIR**  
Dire? ( _genuine concern now)_ What is it, Garak? Are you ill? Is something going on there?

 **GARAK**  
No, no, Doctor. Nothing like that. You remember I told you I’d recently been asked to liaise among several of the various Federation cadres providing aid here on Cardassia?

 **BASHIR**  
Yes, you mentioned it in your last letter. Part of your diplomatic work with the Federation. Is it going poorly?

 **GARAK**  
Not at all. All those years appeasing needy Federation customers equipped me perfectly for the task. No, up until now, I’ve found it a rewarding endeavor.

 **BASHIR**  
I’m glad, Garak. But that hardly sounds dire…what’s changed?

 **GARAK**  
A team of Federation workers here in the capital has begun a program of cultural exchange—a sort of sharing of arts and letters to deepen relations between themselves and the locals. Just last cycle, they invited a number of Cardassian musicians to work with them on a program that incorporated Ghivak’s _Orange Symphonies_ with a work by…oh dear. I’ve forgotten the name. A human composer. There was a hideous guttural sound…

 **BASHIR**  
Bach?

 **GARAK**  
That’s the one. The name sounds Klingon, but fortunately the music proved more pleasing to the ear. It was a marvelous success. They’ve already begun arranging a second.

 **BASHIR**  
That sounds wonderful. It’s good to hear there’s a little more openness on Cardassia these days. Maybe in time, after relations with the Federation develop further—

 **GARAK**  
Let’s not get ahead of ourselves, Doctor. It’s just a few tunes. But they _have_ made another suggestion. One that, at first, seemed a lovely idea, but now…

 **BASHIR**  
Am I going to need a raktajino before we make it to the point?

 **GARAK**  
They want to put on a play.

 **BASHIR**  
A play?

 **GARAK**  
Yes. ( _slightly pained_ ) A human play.

 **BASHIR**  
 _(Understanding dawns. It’s delightful)_ Ahhh. A human play by a familiar author, perhaps?

 **GARAK**  
 _(Less delighted_ ) Indeed.

 **BASHIR**  
Shakespeare on Cardassia! I knew it would happen someday, no matter what you said.

 **GARAK**  
Yes, unfortunately, no one believed me when I told them how ludicrous the idea was. So, it appears, the play will be going forward later next cycle.

 **BASHIR**  
That’s wonderful! And what’s your role in it? You’re not going to be performing, are you?

 **GARAK**  
Doctor, don’t joke. It’s unbecoming.

BASHIR looks contrite. And amused.

 **GARAK**  
No, they’ve asked me to help in the Cardassi translation. The translation matrix can only do so much, and the nuances—the art—is often lost. Poetry comes out utterly mangled.

 **BASHIR**  
So you said, though I’m not sure any translation of _The Never-ending Sacrifice_ would prove less of a sleep aid.

 **GARAK**  
Let us hope this cultural exchange sees more success than our own, then.

 **BASHIR**  
What’s the play?

 **GARAK**  
 _(with obvious distaste)_ Hamlet _._

 **BASHIR**  
Oh. We didn’t read that one, but it’s fantastic.

 **GARAK**  
Yes, the gentleman I spoke with seemed surprised I knew of Shakespeare but not _Hamlet_. He insisted it was the man’s seminal work.

 **BASHIR**  
True, but since you were convinced Lady Macbeth was a heroine and found her husband…what was it? ‘Vacillating to the point of lunacy’? Well, I decided _Hamlet_ might not be the most productive choice.

 **GARAK**  
An apt assessment, Doctor.

 **BASHIR**  
So you…didn’t enjoy it?

 **GARAK**  
I wouldn’t say that. I would say I…hated it.

 **BASHIR**  
Of course.

 **GARAK**  
 _(long-suffering)_ Nevertheless, it’s the play they’ve chosen, and I’m duty-bound to provide the best translation and annotations I can.

 **BASHIR**  
Thus the favor.

 **GARAK**  
Right in one.

 **BASHIR**  
Well, Garak, I’d love to help but, as you pointed out on numerous occasions, my Cardassi is atrocious. Especially my High Cardassi.

 **GARAK**  
As it is. But I was hoping we could discuss a few…aspects. You could help me understand what on Prime is so admirable about it. Your perspective would surely help me with the finer points of the translation.

 **BASHIR**  
( _amused)_ Just like old times.

 **GARAK**  
Something like that. Though I must say, I can’t offer you any I’danian spice pudding.

 **BASHIR**  
Hmm, yes, they don’t even have it in the replicator menu here. But …I think… _(Briefly ducks out of frame; returns with a steaming mug)_ There. Tarkalean tea. _(Takes a sip)_ Now it feels right. 

GARAK, amused, reaches off-frame himself and shows a cup, too.

 **BASHIR**  
Red leaf, I assume?

 **GARAK**  
Yes, although I must say a discussion of Shakespeare did tempt me to consider something stronger.

 **BASHIR**  
 _(Distracted, typing away at something just off-screen)_ Well, let’s see where the conversation takes us. ( _Finally)_ Alright. I’ve pulled up the text on my terminal here. What is it that seems to be giving you the most trouble, Garak? What should we start with?

 **GARAK**  
The title.

 **BASHIR**  
 _(surprised)_ The title?

 **GARAK**  
Yes. It says “The Tragedy of Hamlet, Prince of Denmark,” but I must admit I struggle to see how it qualifies as a tragedy.

 **BASHIR**  
You…you have read to the end? You noticed the bit where everyone dies?

 **GARAK**  
Doctor, not all deaths are a tragedy. I might draw your attention to one Skrain Dukat, for example.

 **BASHIR**  
Hamlet is hardly Dukat. Nor are most of the others who die…except his uncle, maybe.

 **GARAK**  
There, you see! A far greater tragedy.

 **BASHIR**  
 _(This takes him a minute._ ) Hamlet’s uncle is unequivocally the villain of the piece, Garak.

 **GARAK**  
Frankly, I’m not certain a Cardassian audience will agree.

 **BASHIR**  
He murdered his own brother to usurp the throne! He married his sister-in-law and tried to have her son killed! He’s most certainly the villain.

 **GARAK**  
What else was he to do, Doctor? His brother was set to turn over rule of the state to his son. And, as I understand it, there were no popular or political means to force a change of governance. What choice did he have if he hoped to avoid the disaster of a Hamlet-led state?

 **BASHIR**  
“The disaster of a”—Garak, what’s so terrible about Hamlet?

 **GARAK**  
Doctor. I do have trouble telling if you’re joking sometimes. I can’t imagine a character less suited to leadership of the state. He couldn’t even bring himself to kill his father’s murderer without an hour of droning about the pain and uncertainty of it all. What a piece of work is a man, indeed.

 **BASHIR**  
That’s his character. He’s thoughtful. He’s stuck inside his head. And he’s grieving, for goodness sake! He’s just lost his father. And then his mother marries the murderer!

 **GARAK**  
And once again, the women of the play prove far shrewder than the men. She clearly understood the benefit of securing her own rights. If only her son had been as decisive.

 **BASHIR**  
Hamlet was decisive enough once he was certain of his father’s murder.

 **GARAK**  
Ahh yes. He managed to stab that tapestry without soliloquizing first, true. But I'm not sure arbitrary stabbing is a recommendation of fitness to lead.

 **BASHIR**  
 _(resigned; there’s no point)_ So you’re saying a Cardassian audience would see Hamlet as…what, the villain?

 **GARAK**  
I’m saying they’d see him as a buffoon.

 **BASHIR**  
Well, that does make it difficult. I’m not sure that’s a problem translation can fix.

 **GARAK**  
Don’t get me wrong. He’s an almost-likeable buffoon. Witty, in places. Not without some intellect. But this ‘to be or not to be’ nonsense: that’s going to be difficult to sell.

 **BASHIR**  
Come on, Garak. That has to be the most universal theme of the play. Surely the pathos must translate, if nothing else? I know very well Cardassians aren’t immune to a little existential angst.

 **GARAK**  
The sentiment is perfectly understandable. Even poetic, to a point. But I fail to understand why it’s Hamlet who’s going on about it.

 **BASHIR**  
What do you mean?

 **GARAK**  
He’s the son of the head of state. One assumes he’s been raised to understand his duty. If the worst he has to deal with is a spot of political murder, well, the whole thing comes off a tad melodramatic. If anyone should be contemplating the temptation of death it’s the character who isn’t putting on her madness. She’s not playing a breakdown—she’s living it.

 **BASHIR**  
You mean Ophelia. That’s…a good point, actually. She does put up with quite a lot.

 **GARAK**  
Doctor, it ought to have been called the Tragedy of Ophelia. She loses her father to murder the same as Hamlet—no, no because of Hamlet—and the best monologue she gets is some little ditty about flowers? Honestly, I was hoping she’d snap and solve his ‘to be or not to be’ issue for him.

 **BASHIR**  
Yes, well, the love story can be hard to square, I’ll give you that.

 **GARAK**  
Ahh, and you’ve hit on my primary interest, Doctor. It’s the only way I feel I might sell the story to a Cardassian audience.

 **BASHIR**  
How’s that?

 **GARAK**  
As a tragic romance. I’ll admit, we Cardassians do have a soft spot for a story of…what was the phrase? It's from another of these vile things.

 **BASHIR**  
‘Star-crossed lovers?’

 **GARAK**  
That’s the one. Cardassians enjoy a good story of lovers kept apart by duty, circumstance. It’s hardly art, but it is accessible.

 **BASHIR**  
Did no one suggest _Romeo and Juliet,_ then? You might have more luck.

 **GARAK**  
I’m not giving them more ideas, Doctor.

 **BASHIR**  
Alright, alright. So you’re wondering if you can sell this as a tragic twist of fate separating Hamlet and Ophelia? I mean, I’m not sure—

 **GARAK**  
No, no, Doctor. The love story.

 **BASHIR**  
What…what do you mean?

 **GARAK**  
Horatio and Hamlet, Doctor.

 **BASHIR**  
 _(A bit thrown)_ Horatio and Hamlet.

 **GARAK**  
My dear doctor—it’s the most interesting part of the play. Surely I’m not alone in my assessment?

 **BASHIR**  
 _(it takes a moment)_ It—it is an angle that’s been explored on Earth. I can’t say I've considered it much.

 **GARAK**  
I’m glad we’re discussing it then, Doctor. I find it quite compelling. _(beat)_ Familiar at times.

 **BASHIR**  
 _(thrown again but also...maybe not)_ Familiar?

 **GARAK**  
 _(Watching Bashir with meaning)_ Two good friends, closer than lovers, joined by war and political upheaval. One a loyal and determined friend, the other a man forced to show a false face to the world. Both sharing rare truths between them…Imminently relatable, wouldn’t you agree?

BASHIR makes some creaky, noncommittal noises, but nothing that actually becomes a sentence _._

 **GARAK**  
And, of course, a secondary romance which seems, at best, ill-fated—at worst, performative.

 **BASHIR**  
Performative _?_ Garak, Ezri and I…sure,we wanted different things, and we didn’t realize it soon enough, but I hardly think performative—

 **GARAK**  
Doctor! I certainly didn’t mean to imply anything about you and the redoubtable Commander Dax. Please don’t take offense. _(beat)_ Actually, I confess, I found myself thinking of our dear Ziyal in those scenes. _(thoughtful)_ ‘We are arrant knaves, all; believe none of us.’

 **BASHIR**  
 _(A bit somber)_ Oh. Yes…Yes, I can—see that. How you might—share something with Hamlet there.

 **GARAK**  
Oh, I wouldn’t go that far. Though I may have put on an ‘antic disposition’ or two in my day.

 **BASHIR**  
_(beat)_ Yes, okay. So …Hamlet. _(uncertain with the subtext)_ and Horatio. You…you were saying you think…Hamlet…loved him?

 **GARAK**  
It’s right there, Doctor; black and white. “Give me that man that is not passion’s slave and I will wear him in my heart’s core, ay, in my heart of hearts, as I do thee.” I can’t believe you didn’t see it. I thought his feelings were…fairly obvious.

 **BASHIR**  
 _(processing)_ How…how do you know w—they weren’t just good friends?

 **GARAK**  
“Since my dear soul was mistress of her choice/And could of men distinguish, her election/Hath seal'd thee for herself” ? Is that something you can hear yourself saying to, say, Chief O’Brien?

 **BASHIR**  
( _he does have to think about it for a moment)_ Probably not?

 **GARAK**  
Indeed. Hamlet most certainly loved Horatio. ( _leaning into the subtext like a mime into an invisible wind)_ The real question, Doctor—the question at the heart of it is…does Horatio love him? Or is…is that the tragedy?

A long beat as they watch each other. GARAK’s expression gives nothing away; they might still be chatting about Shakespeare.

BASHIR’s face, however, shows everything. Realization. Some discomfort. But also some excitement.

 **GARAK**  
It’s important for the translation, of course.

 **BASHIR**  
Of course. ( _carefully_ ) I--I don’t think it’s too far, um, outside the text to say…yes. It might be…more. I’m surprised I didn’t think of it before.

 **GARAK**  
There is more in heaven and earth, Doctor....

 **BASHIR**  
You might be right. _(with a smile; the subtext is still shaky)_ Let’s say I…agree. Let’s say Horatio’s feelings for Hamlet were …more than friendly but he simply…couldn’t do anything. About it. About his feelings. Because of circumstances. If he’d been able to--

Another chirrup. Audio cuts in.

 **DOCTOR JAROK**  
Doctor Bashir?

 **BASHIR**  
Doctor Jarok. I’m here. Is everything alright?

 **DOCTOR JAROK**  
I’m sorry to disturb you, Julian, but we need you up here. Rekar is stuck in surgery, and I can’t manage—

 **BASHIR**  
I understand. I’ll be there as soon as I can. Bashir out.

Another silence.

BASHIR clearly doesn’t know what to say. This interruption is poorly timed.

 **GARAK**  
Doctor, it sounds rather urgent. We can, of course, continue this discussion at a later date. Or in your next letter. ‘Time be thine, and thy best graces spend it at thy will.’

 **BASHIR**  
 _(clearly disappointed)_ Of…of course. I’ll—I’ll write you soon. I promise.

 **GARAK**  
A lie on borrowed time, Doctor?

 **BASHIR**  
 _(emphatic)_ Not from me. I want to talk more about…this.

 **GARAK**  
At your leisure. I’m always available for a little…enjoyable company.

 **BASHIR**  
 _(reluctant to end it)_ Right. Well, good night, Garak.

BASHIR’s half goes black.

GARAK lingers. His smile falls ever so slightly.

 **GARAK**  
 _(dry)_ The rest is silence.

GARAK lifts his hand to discontinue the call, but BASHIR’s half blinks back to life. He looks a little frantic.

**BASHIR**  
Oh, good. You’re still here. Garak…when did you say they were putting on the play?

 **GARAK**  
Next cycle. The last Saret.

 **BASHIR**  
I…I’d like to come and watch. I have a few days of leave to take, and if I request a temporary replacement now, I should be able to—that is to say, I…I’d like to finish this person. I want to see how the love story plays out.

 **GARAK**  
 _(Pleased)_ Cardassia would welcome you, Doctor. As would I.

 **BASHIR**  
Good. Good. _(awkward)_ Alright. Well, I really should go.

 **GARAK**  
Good night, sweet Doctor. May flights of angels sing thee to thy rest….eventually, at any rate. And I look forward to seeing you soon.

 **BASHIR**  
 _(sincere)_ Soon, Garak. Save my seat.

 **GARAK**  
I always have, Doctor. Garak out.

Both screens go blank.

END

**Author's Note:**

> Forgive the formatting. I'm clearly not a scriptwriter.  
> Thanks for reading!


End file.
